rant to write

prolific. not.

i can’t write. nothing is happening worth writing about. even memories evade me.

rut. this is.

i wake up, and go through my day like it was pre-ordained. i work like a janitor fish. i clean up others’ shit and call it management advice. i do this and look at their grateful faces for the dirty work i do that somehow they think is a step forward toward their salvation. i do this all day everyday. in between, i do my own work and put it up for scrutiny of my control freak boss whose bottom-line i’m still trying to figure out after 3 years. i endure backhanded put-downs and brush-offs i know i don’t deserve.

i try to spice the hours with stolen moments of cheekiness. i check social networking sites and personal mail, thinking – ‘hey, this is getting back at you, i have a life outside of this.’, knowing full well that no amount of status’ likes will make me like the sad android that i evolved into.

when i can, i resort to bourgeois diversions. i order my dark mocha frappuccino believing that the slightest nuance in choice reflects my individuality. i have heartfelt conversations with friends over coffee or beer and regurgitate oprah or any other appropriate hollywood line, silently congratulating myself how clever i am. i go to the gym and pay for a trainer half my age motivate me to becoming more fit – not knowing that the rot is not in the flesh. i collect shoes, cd’s, dvd’s, tshirts and graphic novels and more and more feeling suspicious that this amassing of material things will not fill the vacuum in my soul. and then i smirk at how hopelessly superficial other people are.

i go home and project all my frustrations to my partner who has certainly contributed in a good share of it. i watch him pour his umpteenth drink and lament that while his intoxication provides nocturnal relief, it never really takes him away from his troubles. nor mine.

there. i got it out of my system.

trusting wholeheartedly (because oprah said so, or was it a hollywood movie?) that by letting off steam i can wax ms. congeniality again.

perhaps now i can write about truth, goodness, light and all those affirming introspective shit again.

threesome

not your sexual fantasy. but 3 books that are interesting, amusing, poignant and informative.

they hit national bookstores today.

get your copy and for starters - here's my good friend S taking it off to sell some.



more info here.

2009: my year in pictures

as i look back to the year that was 2009 . i thought of many ways do a year-end post.

i decided i'd make it simple - just share with you some significant things that happened last year.



the first thing will have to be celebrating new year in sagada. going back there after 9 years (when G & i celebrated the turn of the millenium), i had a chance to see how much the place changed and how much of what was important remained the same. much like the people i reconnected with when i got back from africa.



i also spoke of the role of civil society (that is, the non-profit sector) in development in the asean people's forum in bangkok in february. living it is one thing, trying to discuss it with people who are non-profit development workers themselves was like, well - selling nips to the kids in charlie & the chocolate factory. tough crowd.



here i am signing an agreement in washington on behalf of some network to facilitate a civil society campaign project in asia. in one of the schmoozy dinners some of the representatives from other countries had an animated discussion whether we (the non-profit sector) have indeed made it to the negotiating table of powers in the world. i somehow spoiled the fun when i said - 'personally, the issue of whether or not we have the power is incidental. the more important question is whether what we are doing is contributing to preventing a labour leader from being killed or a women's group activist from being discriminated or a HIV activist from being ridiculed.' they were silent and looked at me reproachfully. (i am thinking they were thinking - there goes the 3rd world activist again with his dream world) oh well. my dinner was gourmet inedible anyway.



i had the opportunity to visit prague for a conference - the most beautiful place i have ever been (imagine a vineyard in the middle of the town!). most gay boys wondered if i stumbled into the bel-ami boys. sadly, errr, no. but the absence of the smooth gay porn demigods did not take away anything from the lovely, lovely city.



for a while, i volunteered with task force pride representing rainbow bloggers. here we had a die-in in the middle of BED's ledge in commemoration of the international day against homophobia (with the rest of the clientele thinking we have gone stark raving mad). unfortunately, the demands of my day job made me opt out of the TF later. thus dousing my hopes of being the philippines answer to harvey milk. just kidding.



in may, jp and i celebrated his birthday by going to the crater of taal. it was his first volcano while it was my first crater. we also ziplined in picnic grove. i have many fond memories of sharing many firsts with my life partner in tagaytay.




one of the most memorable places i've been in last year was the bencab museum. in august 3 gay couples made a road trip to baguio. very chilled getaway. we spent the time in the road discussing whether we think harvey keitel is fuckable enough... (or maybe that was just me justifying my lust for the bad leiutenant?)




in september i finally travelled overseas with my longtime friend E. i have always imaagined it will be a blast to travel with her and i was right. stockholm was memorable not because it was pretty (which it was) but because i was there with her. here we were pretending to be interested in some british guy's talk of human rights situation in colombia (while there were colombians in the audience. absurd? don't ask!) our pretending only went too far as 20 minutes and then we left our dinner tables in favour of cam-whoring.



en-route back to manila, E & i stopped by a couple of days in amsterdam to do 'tourist-y' stuff. we enjoyed shopping most of all (H&M is god's gift to the budget shoppers wanting to still look up to date). we also spent almost a day in the street market (they have tiangge's in holland!) but realised that the things that we want there were beyond our budget. it was fun to compare the stalls with the ones we had in the philippines, anyway.



early december, i finally landed in paris (which every self-respecting gay boy should visit) for a series of meetings. meetings that lasted much shorter than the travel (this is the story of my life, by the way). i was with E again and it was fun. we went all the way to paris to walk the fashionable champs elysees only to find.. mud. (i swear i am not making this up). but the significant thing about paris is that the friends i met in south africa almost a decade ago flew in for a night out (!) - one from chad, the others from canada & london. here we did our obligatory group pic inside a ID photo booth in the paris metro. i love these guys.



and then, (despite my resistance) i turned 40. here - i am flanked by my former girlfriends who managed to accept (even celebrate) my sexual preference transition and remain friends. G & jp threw the party for me. bff & bf wanting to make you happy - what more can a guy ask for?



for christmas i rented a resort of some sort in quezon city for my whole family. the kids (these include my brothers, mind you) had a blast playing games in the swimming pool. it was a good way to reconnect and re-affirm ties that bind not only because of blood and shared history.



speaking of shared history, the gang had a party between christmas and the new year. we all had a rough year and it it was a comfort that friends you had when you were young remain to be there.



and then for the new year, G threw a 2010 countdown party in his condo. fun and gay. perfect way to toast 2009 and welcome the new year.

so what's the verdict for 2009. it was a tough year of transition and finding my feet. it was challenging to balance a relationship, keep my friends, hold on to my job and maintain my various involvements. over-all, i have to say, it was a pretty good year.

so 2010, hit me with your best shot.

i'm ready.

Picture this: Golden Girls vs. Gossip Girl Showdown. OMFG!

lately, i have been socialising with a group of friends i met more than 10 years ago. we likened ourselves to the golden girls. wise, funny, loveable, fab.

almost the same time, my good friend G has been hanging out with a group of people he fondly refers to as the gossip girls. cunning, glam, fuckable, fab.



so i’ve been thinking – it will be the clash of the fab titans if the golden girls were to take on the gossip girls or vise-versa.

i asked my friend R to help me think how this would pan out, but we came up with such lame scenarios i decided to leave it to your imagination.

who do you think would win?

breeders in malate

***

after reading my post, fiery godfather, my friends felt a bit bothered that i was feeling that they have no occasion to celebrate my life choices and milestones.

so they decided to make up one – the occasion of my successful root canal procedure. like really now.

not to miss an opportunity to further a cause, i suggested that we meet in malate in order to participate in task force pride’s activity on the occasion of the international day against homophobia. they all said it was my party so they were in.

most people arrived by pairs. noticeably without kids. ok, one had 2 bodyguards, but (unlike kids) they did not need to be the centre of attention.


once seated in o-bar, one of the guys was uncomfortable. he asked me if it safe to go to the toilet, telling me if somebody’s just going to look at his prick while peeing, he’ll be ok with it. i laughed and told him he should be fine and should not flatter himself. another asked if we need to take off our shirts for the activity. and yet another observed that the waiters were ‘yummy’. the girls even went up to check-out the kinky underwear and sex toys in top & bottom store.

it was clear that while most of them may be straight, they were willing to be gay for the day (err, night) for me. and from the looks of it, they were enjoying it, too.

too bad we got too entertained by the chit-chat amid the loud thumpa-thumpa music and friday night revelry of nakpil (or maybe i didn’t get the details right?). by the time we got to remedios circle, not one of the tfp’s usual suspects were there. not to be daunted by the slight hiccup, we took the chance for a photo op.



with no one bitching about the fact that we missed what we braved QC to manila traffic for, we had coffee and cakes in cafe adriatico.

we parted ways later than usual (1:30 am!).

as we were saying goodbyes, i felt a wave of love for my friends when i realised that while they may not share (nor understand) my world, they recognise that my life choices are as valid and need to be celebrated as much as their relatively conventional ones.

these breeders, they’re all right.

a dream in april

i once had a relationship with a writer. while the passion was mediocre, we wrote well together. here's an english translation of a filipino renga we wrote while we were still figuring out what we were to each other. thought i'd share it before april ends...


the rain is just in our imagination
in dreams, you embrace the sun
until we both wake up drenched in sweat
consumed by unbearable heat and thirst

many summer have passed with this curse
cheated by time
mocked by consciousness
in the burning asphalt of midday

will i have nightmares
of melancholic sunsets
if i betray
the traitorous seasons?

still, i will close my eyes
and lay in the clouds
of famine in harvest time

because even if we missed the rain
even if we did not dance
under the first shower in april
we will fly to the skies
and not wait to be awaken again

mona lisa syndrome

jp once told me, you are like the monalisa, you are nice to look at, but not much use for anything else. that comment did not hit home until much later when i realised that i have been infected by the da vinci virus.



the da vinci virus infects the unknowing, but fully healthy individuals as host. before you know it you are one piece of work, err… art.

latent symptoms include:
• over-articulation
• over-intellectualisation
• self-indulgence

full blown syndrome to watch out for:
• ISO sarcoma – unrealistic standard applied to everybody including oneself
• pronoun disorder – inability to recognise anything but i and me, a.k.a. me- as-earth pre-copernicus syndrome
• paparazzi paranoia – delusion of persecution of the tmz-type reporters and yet posing for pictures not being taken
• hysterical garp blindness – sudden bouts of failure to perceive a world not according to one’s definition
•delusion of rebonded rapunzel – delusion of hair so long, so smooth - flipping it would make the asian tsunami look like a drop in the bucket

initial morbidity reports claim that long-time sufferers eventually die alone.

unfortunately, there is no known cure. there are anecdotal reports, however, that a good dose of talking-down-to by undaunted close friends can make the syndrome almost a manageable disease.

thankfully, my early diagnosis aided by my partner's astute observation led to better disease management. i reject being a cordoned-off picture, no matter how pretty (and even that is a subject of debate). as my good friend fuschiaboy reminds me…

“refusal is elegance.”

look at the mirror and ask yourself, am i infected? better yet ask your most cheeky friend.

smile, mona lisa.

beyond watching the watchmen

last night i embraced my inner straight boy by being a comics dork – lining up for the first night to watch the watchmen (i even considered dressing up as one of the characters), only to be sneakily sabotaged by dr. manhattan’s floppy flaccid blue prick.


ok it’s not comics. it’s even listed as TIME’s best 100 novels of all time. but one look at the yellow & black cover plus the coloured illustrations with conversation balloons inside and my friend id gives me ‘the look’ (the one given to hopeless men) and says, “aren’t you supposed to be old enough to read something without pictures?”

still, watchmen was what got me to graphic novels. now i have a small but quite respectable loot including from hell, superman for all seasons, death of superman, 300, wanted, sin city volumes 1-7 and stardust (although, the last one is an illustrated story – there is a difference.) you may raise your eyebrow to a level higher than bebe gandanghari’s because they now all fall within the ‘tv/movie tie up’ category. but then again i can hardly stop the hollywood agents from transforming art to cheesy money makers, can i?

i digress.

so there i was, braving the long lines in front of the gay’teway cineplex till. shifting my weight from one foot to the other because i was so excited i needed to pee all the time. not because there was so much cruising in the cinema lobby, silly - because the trailers were really good. to get to this point, i left my boss’ mouth hanging open when I said no to his request for me to re-send that one last email (you know, the one he didn’t read and now it’s my fault) and convinced jp it was a cool movie, he had to go. it was going good.

we got the tickets with time to spare for a quick beer at café adriatico downstairs before the show. when we came up for the show, there was time enough to go to the loo for a pee. when we went to our seats i carefully inspected the terrain for toddlers or jologs who might insist on imposing their noise while I was watching my movie. clear. i was on a roll.

all was right in my world (the opening credits was a killer) until dr. manhattan appeared with his swinging blue cock. suddenly, the (straight) couple next to me started sniggering whenever the offending appendage made an appearance (which is – by rough estimate - about a quarter of the movie).

suddenly the movie seemed all too ridiculous.

don’t get me wrong, a built, ripped, buck-naked and shaved billy crudup (or whoever was his body double) in blue is not exactly appalling. and I’ve always found soft cocks endearing in their vulnerability. but how can i take his existential pronouncements seriously when there are people around me who can’t get over his incandescent flopsy?

the movie ended with me feeling cheated.

i had the urge to rummage through my graphic novel collection, looking for clues why i found this one so precious. and there, (edited from the movie) I found my dr. manhattan again when he said…


‘The world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from the another's vantage point. As if new, it may still take our breath away.’

go watch the movie and try not to be distracted by the naked moviestar playing radioactive-nuclear-disaster-survivor-turned-superhero. better yet, read the graphic novel.

my blogroll heroes 2008

i just bought the second volume of the graphic novel version of heroes. inspired, i thought it would be my theme for my year-end post.


as a personal blog, navel gazing has been a guilty pleasure, albeit necessary to live up to ‘life as a write- up’. unless i take a picture of my insides, and analyse each part till kingdom come, i probably wouldn’t be able to out-bare myself in a post more than i have already done.

while i offer no apologies for my blog’s self-centredness, i decided something different for the year-end post is called for.

so i end the year by paying homage to some of my own personal best bloggers. this is how their blog contributed in making 2008 a year of restoring my faith in the human spirit. in 2008, for me: this is how they manifested their powers:

1. the idealist: boying meets tao

while many make snide remarks about how blogger EB is a thinly-veiled form of internet dating, i have never met anybody as resolute and positive about it as boying. as a person who had the uncertain honour of being the first blogger to meet with boying, i have to admit that i had my doubts. but he surprised me by being, well, a really nice guy. lately, i noticed his post has started to leave the usual happy space it inhabits. i don’t know the reason and probably have not been as good as a blog friend i hoped i could be. still, it was boying who made me believe bloggers are good people. it may be a jungle out there, but i hope somehow this nice guy won’t let the bad things get him down. because he made this blogger a little less cynical.

2. the survivor: mandaya-kulot break-up

mugen had it. fiona had it. gibo had it. even i had it twice (temporarily). but no break-up has shaken the gay blogosphere as the mandaya-kulot break-up. i think i am not alone in saying that mandaya has succeeded not only in making us a part of their relationship through his blog (let’s face it, we were all a little in love with kulot) but in the austere beauty of his language made us feel the heartbreak of giving-up on someone you love. and yet, after such pain, mandaya is back with boys all around (some of them even having parts of their anatomy likened to bread!) mandaya is a testament that you can't put a good faggot down for long.

3. the mischievous: lyka’s & LTE’s titi-llating tattle

i have never seen a blog where cattiness is celebrated as much as LTE. as a fan of lyka and the star coven, my position that to be nice all the time is not good is embodied and given a gay flamboyant flair. and while bitching is the rule in this site, there is warmth, friendship and solidarity that shines through. here’s to lyka and LTE and may their blog be as colourful as their award is erect.

4. the traveller: gibo’s lens and hasty exit


gibo has taken us with him in many of his travels. in many occasions his camera lenses made us see the world in a way that was at once heart-wrenching and sublimely uplifting. but where is gibo? i have been sworn to secrecy not to reveal. much like how he treats his journeys, gibo has moved his blog with minimum fuss and made for a clean break. gibo has taught me 2 things with his blog: (1) that you can always start again and (2) you can find beauty amid misery. godspeed in your travels, my dear friend.

5. the heart-warmer: mel’s divorce

after baffling us with an infatuation with some TV personality meriting a place after her hyphen, mel changed atienza to pattinson succumbing to the charms of an actor playing a blood sucker. this must be the most light-hearted divorce ever. but this is what i love about mel, his blog just make me want to sing ‘my favourite things’ and ask everybody to sing with me. mel’s blog means to me: it’s never that serious. and seriously, each of his post never failed to make me smile.

6. the beautiful: luis’ photoshoot


braving the danger of spiteful comments, luis’ posted a series of nudes portraits of himself. he gave the hyper-masculine, obsessive calorie-counting, muscle mass fixated gay culture a dirty finger. fuck body politics. it was beautiful. luis is beautiful. and in the great words of tyra, here is your best shot...

7. the teller of tales: id’s goddesses and monsters


as the most mysterious blogger in my blogroll, id has got me enraptured with his/her stories of goddesses and monsters. so i say, there maybe times when life sucks, but that’s always material for a good story.

8. the activist: jericho’s militant heart


i counted 29 or so political posts in 2008 alone. that makes for more than 2 posts per month. what’s more admirable is he has made people’s issues real to his readers, engaged them and many times won them over in his discourse. i’d like to think that i am still an activist but jericho – he has set the bar for blog activism high. it’s not just what he writes, it’s what he does. it’s who he is. and to me, this is his message – you can carry the torch longer, higher and in more ways than you think you can.

9. the compassionate: kik’s disclosure


i was just starting to blog when kiks disclosed his HIV status in june. he did this in a post that spoke about the plight of M, an activist who was having difficulties accessing adequate health services in the Philippines after being taken ill and diagnosed with HIV. kik’s outing himself for M was such a moving gesture that it made me think, this blogging – it’s not all garbage and self-serving mental wanking with your computer – it can be an expression of our shared humanity.

10. the fabulous: kawadjan’s faggotry


lastly, and definitely not the least is kawadjan and his poses in the most surprising and quirky places. for levity, (as this post turned out to be longer than i intended) this is what the princess from ban-cock taught me: even a sewerage pipe can be a site for fabulous faggotry.

to each of you, from one blogger to another:

thank you.

and as cheesy as it may sound, to borrow a question from the divine miss midler...

did i ever tell you you're my hero?

the beauty is in the detail

this post should be in a blog called "life as a slide-show"

i kept on dissing travelling and my work as if they’re the most painful thing imaginable.

to be fair, there is beauty in these travels. and i thought id share with you some:

most recently, in geneva - the 3 days was a full-on airport-hotel-meeting venue-hotel-airport affair. despite that in my 30 minutes in the airport i found these...

the smokers' lounge was lit by these floating orbs that exude soft yellow light

just in case the smokers feel too marginalised and decide to set the airport on fire, they made the fire alarm cute and non threatening


and they can ponder on their evil deeds while sitting in this bench

while of course, flicking their ashes in this ashtray.

i raved enough about the beijing airport, but let me show you just how i started being awed by it...

i drank in this fountain and as i brought my head up, i noticed the clean and crisp design. (which goes to show you'll never know what you will discover after bending over)

this made me think should there be posh garbage for this bin that can easily be functional art

and this toilet entrance made me feel like there's a ramp and i had to strut my way in.

in istanbul, the almost eight hours lay-over got me stuck in the business lounge of the modern airport. the lounge, however, attempts at highlighting east meets west design...

the lounge was lit by this chandelier.

for the most part, i watched tv. and my, they did try to make high tech blend in with old world charm

before leaving i went to pee and used these faucets to wash my hands.

in bishkek, i had time to go to the national park for 30 minutes and i found
painted rocks

a cafe bar signage

and a dilapidated seat in their national park

but i will be amiss if i fail to say that beauty can be found in (where else?) my own shoes!

my black kurt geiger lace-ups (featured here with my quirky socks).

and my personal favourite, camper suede ankle high boots topped by viktor cords

these shoes take me to these places, after all.

the pics are a sorry excuse, i know. but it reminds me that, despite the drudgery, there is so much beauty in the world.