he's leaving - lamentations of years ago

he's leaving.

such a funny thing to say. makes you think he's here now and is just about to walk away. but he's never been here. except for the brief blissful meetings in other places, the all too few days we were together. and even then without complete disregard to the imminent parting.

the bustling city can't drown out the deafening, lonely ringing in my ear. i watch the sun set over johannesburg's skyscrapers framed by my office window. it echoes the sinking feeling in my chest. the imposing mammoth structures of concrete, glass and metal seem to close in on me. hard and cold, mocking my impudence to dare wish to transcend limits.

i should be working but i find myself clicking the web browser all the time. checking for his e-mail. unreasonably disappointed knowing since his job is finished he doesn't have internet access. but i hope anyway that he needs to tell me things that can't wait another day. and that he'll just have to find a way. it's pathetic how i expect his longing to match mine.

he made it clear that he's leaving and i can't do anything about it. this was a given even before we met each other, so how could i? even if i wanted to. and i'm not sure i do.

he's leaving and i know now why it hurts. at first i thought it was his issues about his sexuality that makes him act strange. i know these issues have not been resolved. still, i know that this is not the reason why he stopped short of letting me get under his skin.

he does not love me. he said so himself. he told me that if he loved me he doesn't see any problem of pursuing a long term relationship. i asked him why. he said he never saw a future for us at the onset.

that's why he doesn't love me? why should prospects of the future affect the way he feels? he kept his head screwed tightly on top of his shoulders, i guess. all i know is that i failed to make him love me. and i ask myself what is it in my blood that makes love such an insanity.

he doesn't love me and that hurts more than the fact that he's leaving.

he doesn't love me and against reason i believe that's the reason why he's leaving.

he'll see me one last time before he leaves. and i wonder why i feel such restless anticipation about something that will inevitably end to more pain.

he'll be here. finally. once before he leaves.

still i know he'll always keep his distance.