Sunday, June 7, 2009

enduring love

‘he died of a broken heart. where’s the political value in that?’

we laughed with disdain.

this was G and me talking, over bottles of beer and countless cigarettes. we were in a homestay one rainy night in baguio in the early nineties, a night before some writer’s workshop we were conducting. we were talking of R, a common acquaintance who was found dead when he hang himself because some girl broke up with him. we were rabid activists and the thought of sacrificing one’s life in the name of love was just pathetic and – well, funny.

our mistake is that we were talking about this oblivious that we were in front of CDQ, a noted columnist, wise and eloquent as we can only aspire to be, who was there as one of our speakers. he looked at us with disgust and said (with a hint of anger in his voice), ‘there is probably nothing more noble than to die for love.’

chastised, G and i fell silent. not that we believed him at that time (can’t speak for G but i know i didn’t). we just realised we were being callous and weren’t being very nice.

i remember this story because last night, on the occasion of kawadjan’s visit to the fair city of manila, we had a lovely dinner where i met N.

as we were nursing our beers and coffee after the splendid meal, N joined us. and almost without prompting, regaled us, a group of almost complete strangers, with the story of her woes over a loved one who did not return the feeling with quite the same intensity or dedication.

not that i think N will be committing suicide soon. it’s just that her somewhat impassioned and animated disclosure made me realise how far people would go - for love. and the shock of it is: ‘people’ includes me.

i started to put a list of willing and not so willing deeds i have committed in the context of a romantic relationship and decided that even the blogsphere is not a worthy (or discreet) confessional for it. suffice to say that dealing with the guilt of competing with the church (yes, there was some action involved with a man of the cloth), is not the highlight of the list, but is way up there.

it seems that while i consider myself to be an activist, a good son and a loyal friend, there is nothing that comes close to what i can do, what i have done, in the name of love.

and i have a feeling i am not alone in this.

last night after dinner i steal myself for another difficult discussion with JP. like all relationships, ours have its ups and downs. and lately, i have been reacquainted with the ‘downs’.

i tell myself, i can do this.

and for now, i did. we did.

this morning we renewed our commitment to work on our relationship. and tonight i take some time to write this post and remember R, whose death we laughed at decades ago.

i confess, in humility, that there have been times that i considered hurting myself, if only to manifest the devastation i feel inside. and that i now realise that people end their lives must be dealing with some pretty serious shit.

i won’t speak for G. but for all its worth, i apologise. i will not pretend to understand what R went through, but his death certainly did not merit ridicule.

as penance, i resolve that i will love well and live through it. let the proverbial shit hit the fan. i’m ready.

alternatively, in the words of martika, let's just say

‘love, thy will be done.’


image in this post by linden laserna


MANDAYA MOORE: Ang bayot sa bukid said...

i will no long hide

i will no longer run

oh baby, love they will be done

line of flight said...

the shadow meets the persona when an activist falls in love.

jericho said...

hmmm ... hindi ko pa na-e-enkwentro ang tanong if i'll do anything with that L word. sa libog siguro and my answer was I won't... :)

kiel estrella said...

@ mandaya - abah! at napa-sing ang bayot ng bukid... nahalata tuloy na we're so 80's. hahaha

@ line - matalinghaga na naman yang comment mo, eh.

@ echo - hmmm. so for libog money lang talaga ang kaya mong ibigay? echos. hahaha.

id said...

isa kang martir... sa isip mo ngayon. basta ako... "enduring love so far" lang ang statement ko.

in ten years, let's see

Luis Batchoy said...

come love, like a crushing needs says poet Khaled Mattawa, and echoed by Frank Bidart in "Love Incarnate" that 'when we love, our lord is Love!'
I have no wish to die for love, much more if it be of the unrequited kind, but I wish to live on for it. But that's just me, I guess.

wanderingcommuter said...

this will be my new mantra: love, thy will be done.

love it!

kiel estrella said...

@ id - project manager ka talaga, lahat may time frame!

@ luis - di ba may kanta ring ganyan, 'i live for your love'?

@ wc - tell me if it works, ok?

The Zen Bitch said...

love endures only if you can endure it. la lang...

kiel estrella said...

@ zb - shet. parang chicken and egg question.. or is it catch 22?

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