Wednesday, March 13, 2013

unwell

i am back where i started.

a few months ago i was in the same hospital room sitting on a sofa which doubles as a makeshift bed. taking care of a sick partner. routinely questioned awkwardly of my relation with the patient by medical staff.

friends say its my karma. when they're feeling generous they tone that down to a role i was born to play.

 they say: i am mother theresa tending the sick. i am florence nightingale bringing comfort to the infirm. i am juliet binoche-character in the 'english patient'. (i'm partial to the last one since it makes me a french actress that made it to hollywood which, let's face it, better than a saint or a glorified nurse.)

 

i don't mind. really i don't.

born into a family with siblings with epilepsy and another one with cerebral palsy and autism plus a chain-smoking father with alcohol problems, i am no stranger to people being unwell. it has surrounded me all my life. no wonder my earliest memories include depressive moments of pondering on death as a toddler. i suppose i that made me weird.

everytime someone close gets sick, i feel irrational guilt. why not me?

and when i touch them i say a quiet prayer (and i don't even pray), please take it away. give it to me. i am stronger.

i guess i'm back to where i started even before the time i endured keeping a relationship alive with a man who keeps on getting sick because he drank too much. even after he has left, back to the wife he told me he has divorced, i am back.

i wonder if i have been a virus or some bacteria in a previous life to justify this payback.

this is a new man in my life. and now he's not well and i'm back to the hospital. thinking if i should succumb to thinking the more things change the more they stay the same.

but somehow things are different. now i have to deal with a more demanding patient and i actually like it. and when he says he will try to be well, i actually believe it.

am sick of being scared by my own ghosts. thing is, from the outside, i am healthier than ever. my infirmities are not manifest. maybe somebody needs to 'english patient' me to unravel the bandages that hide the damages.

10 comments:

ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ said...

thank you for not forgetting us.

kiel estrella said...

thanks for remembering me!

Kane said...

You're right, you know. From the outside, you're healthier than ever. Your infirmities do not manifest.

But sometimes, when I see you, there's a certain ... what's the word ... you seem sad, sometimes.

I'm not saying you are because I don't really know, you just seem to be.

The French say "Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose". But I'm not French. So I say f**ck it. You can't be scared forever. Ikaw pa, you've gone through so many things.

What's ... one more man? *grins*

K

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