Tuesday, July 22, 2008

after sunset

a new day brings distraction but i miss him most when night falls.

with the setting of the sun, sadness creeps and comes unbidden. i don’t notice it until i feel a dull pain in my chest, followed by a profound sense of hollowness. it feels as if along with his goodbye came the disappearance of my insides. not the physical part of me. just the part that makes me human.

i do not profess to be a sentimental person. i don’t cry at sad movies. i barely remember birthdays. i don’t even remember the exact day we met. or fell in love. or moved in. i remember i lost the ring he gave me to wear as a sign of our commitment. he gave me another. i remember i lost a total of four rings. the last one he tried to find for days before finally giving up.

tonight in the dark, i remember exactly how he smells. how his eyes light up when i walk into the room. how happy he looked when we danced close to each other. how proud he feels of every decision i make in my life, even when i stand in shaky ground. i remember every single thing he has done for me that can be considered kind, loving or tender. i remember how often all of these happened in the last six years. i realise how little i have appreciated those moments and often thought it didn’t happen often enough.

i know how hopelessly flawed he was. my unforgiving eyes must have shown it. i know my sharp tongue has wounded him too many times. now, i remember how the pain is reflected in his physical reaction when i say something hurtful. how his hands shake in every fight. how he cried when he said he wanted to be a better person for me.

in daylight i can convince myself that i ran out of memories that bind me to him. until night falls and one more memory emerges from the darkness and jolt me back to the feeling, i felt the first time he said goodbye.

i want him to come back. but most of all, i want him to know that all those things did not go unnoticed.

i remember.

postscript

tonight he sent me a poem, i'll share with you how it ends:

you love me
you are my peace
what my heart longs for


tonight, i am not afraid of the memories, i welcome darkness again like a lost friend.

9 comments:

jericho said...

hmmm .. nakaka-intriga. ;)

id said...

masyadong malungkot.

at ano ba naman ito- malungkot din si gibo. e pano yan... malungkot din ata ako.

pero ako din, i remember. and i will always remember-- despite ur sharp tongue, ur a sweet person. just yesterday u made me smile with that webcam scenery. and six years ago u were in sa, i texted a few lines of a song while i was in a piano bar of my fave hotel... u texted back, continuing the lines of the song...

uv a heart like no other.

Yffar said...

SA ROXAS BLVD BA YUNG BACKGROUND???

XLINK PO SIR..

HEHEHEHHE

kiel said...

@jericho - ganyan talaga ang showbiz, dapat may intriga. chos!

@ id - thanks. i needed to be reminded. don't worry i believe i won't be sad for long

@ yffar - yup, it's roxas blvd. link done.

kawadjan said...

sumikip ang dibdib ko when i read this.
... nasobrahan na yata ako sa yosi.
hugs.

kiel said...

@ kawadjan - sobra ka naman. mag-nganga ka kaya instead of yosi? chos!

PROSETITUTE said...

its really hard to let go of someone who has grown in you. speedy recovery, sir.

i like this lines btw.

i remember i lost the ring he gave me to wear as a sign of our commitment. he gave me another. i remember i lost a total of four rings. the last one he tried to find for days before finally giving up.

so mushy.

Mr. Scheez said...

You write so well. I can almost feel the pain. Pareho kami ni Kawadjan, nagsikip dibdib namin habang binabasa ito.

I admire people who are gifted in translating into words/writing what they're feeling and have in their minds. I admire you =)

Luis Batchoy said...

melodramatic
i lourve

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