Friday, October 24, 2008

i'm not holly

inspired by the zen bitch’s ‘love me for what i am’. read the post below for an explanation on these series of 'reaction posts'.

“i’m not holly. i’m not lulu mae, either. i don’t know who i am. i’m like cat here. we’re a couple of no-name slobs. we belong to nobody and nobody belongs to us. we don’t even belong to each other.”

so said audrey hepburn, playing holly golightly in breakfast at tiffanys.

i used to own a vhs tape of this film which is my all time favourite. and this scene, where she says these lines, i used to play over and over till the tape got all grainy and shit. but she spoke my truth, ms. hepburn:

i belong to nobody and nobody belongs to me.

this was not a statement of defeat. it was not a statement that is a perverted mutation of my communist penchant for resenting private property. it was merely a statement of how i understand human nature. and for the longest time, to believe otherwise (in the context of a relationship) was like watching a movie. it’s all about suspension of disbelief.

because i never believed, nobody else did. so it came to pass that i became an emotional slut. an ex i bumped to the other day said “you are ex with everybody.”

but you know what? growing old, maturing – well, things change.

now i want somebody to belong me almost as much as i want to belong to somebody.

my experience in the considerable array of relationships i had is that it all entails a level of compromising your individuality. and i mean this in the most positive way although i have been known to depreciate it the other way around.

now i am in a relationship that has lasted longer that i can suspend my disbelief for.

but at the end of the day, i lay my tired body in bed, my man puts his strong arms around me and scratches my back, i inhale his sweet breath and i tell myself, "i'm sure glad it's not the no-name cat."

still, i grapple with asserting my own sense of 'self' in this relationship that has been going on for 7 years. i realise that many of the so-called compromises are things that i’m starting to tire of and thinking about giving up on in the first place.

being consumed by work, free ‘love’ (like not believing in monogamy- ergo sleeping around), incessant partying to name a few – was soooo me. they were things that once defined me – made me a wild thing who cannot be caged . these are things that had a place in my personal history but does not have the same value to me now as they used to.

i’m thinking to a certain extent, outside of the requisite chemistry - it is all a matter of timing, too. a long term relationship finds you when you are ready to compromise. that’s why i keep on arguing with gibo on his phenomenal ISO standards on his relationships.

so i ask - is this selling out? relationships are hard work. but it should be. there are 2 unique individuals negotiating a common path. there will be bumps for sure. and as i constantly complain about it –

i bought a dvd of the film to replace the tired old vhs. now i play the scene but the lines that follows, spoken by george peppard playing ‘fred’ gains more resonance of things past...

“you know what’s wrong with you ms. whoever-you-are? you’re chicken. you’ve got no guts. you’re afraid to stick out your chin and say,’ok, life’s a fact’. people do fall in love. people do belong to each other. because that’s the only chance anybody has for real happiness. you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing. and you are terrified someone is gonna stick you into a cage. well baby, you’re already in that cage – you built it yourself... because no matter where you run you just end up running into yourself.”

here’s the scene, if you’ve got the time (and the bandwidth), watch it to appreciate what i am talking about :

the conclusion: i’m not holly. i am a wild thing tamed. but i am still looking for my cat.


The Handyman said...

yup, breakfast at tiffany's is one hell of a movie... one of my fave, too, after somewhere in time

The Zen Bitch said...

oh, kiel... you make such an irresistible counterpoint... you're quite a romantic... i think i used to be one, too... that is, before my heart shriveled, darkened, and calcified like a fruit left too long under the sun... charing! love this post... and i completely relate to your state of mind (and heart)... i think when you look at them... our views both boil down to the same point... that relationships require a lotta hard work for it to, hmn, work... di ba?

jericho said...

ay.. ang serious naman nito. kasama ba ako dun sa "everybody is your ex"? mwahaha

i think a relationship is basically a change of a person's condition or status. at pag nagbago ang kundisyon, nagbabago rin ang tao. ituring mo na lang sya na resolution of contradictions . ;)

kiel said...

@ handyman - welcome to my blog. i love somewhere in time, too. especially the line, 'is that you?'

@ tzb - agree. like i said parallel lives. pero sana you nurture your heart to its former state. i'm so happy you liked my post - especially when you inspired it.

@ jericho - i rest my case - tama ang ex ko. kahit di ko pa na-meet ex ko na! hahahaha.

Mugen said...

One of these days, I might write a rejoiner about your entry. Probably on my fourth week of independence. :)

kiel said...

@ mugen - advanced independence day month-sarry! will await your rejoinder with much anticipation...

Mr. Scheez said...

"a long term relationship finds you when you are ready to compromise." - syet, ganito na ako. Ang tanda ko na. Hehehe =)

kiel said...

@ mr. scheez - di bale matanda, magkaka-boyfriend ka naman... mwahahaha

Mr. Scheez said...

Hehehe, sana?

Nagpost ako bagong entry. Masyado ata mainit yung isang post eh =)

id said...

bat kasi nagpupumilit maging holly?! i'd go for scarlett- forever chased and forever chasing someone else. question is: have you ever chased anyone in your entire life?

kiel said...

@ id - di ba considered chasing yung pag-reject ng break-up (twice!)?

dazedblu* said...

Happy Halloween -->
Happy Weekends XD

Blogger 8508.0531 said...

yes. i agree. there comes a point in one's life where needing somebody doesn't have to mean we're becoming needful, necessarily. or - *heavens* - dependent on them.

just... it feels so good to be with somebody, once in a while, hindi ba..?

thanks for the wonderful post.

Blogger 8508.0531 said...
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